Snowpocalypse 2014

January 6, 2014

** THIS POST HAS BEEN INTERRUPTED TO BRING YOU THE FOLLOWING URGENT MESSAGE **

It has come to my attention that even though this isn’t the first snow this year, many of you still do not know how to drive in said snow. Even though you live in Michigan. Really people?

That being said I thought I’d give some awesome driving tips from the chick that lived in the Upper Peninsula for 2 years (where they get a shit ton more snow, and it’s so cold sidewalk salt doesn’t work there). Grab a notepad people, this is pure genius flowing right now.

GENIUS SNOW TIPS:

1. As snow accumulates the heavier and denser it gets. To avoid spending 17 hours shoveling your driveway and sidewalk with snow, make quicker trips every few hours while it’s still falling. Seems counter productive, but trust me, by shoveling an inch of snow every 2-4 hours during a large storm vs. a foot after the storm ends you’ll save your back, and probably fingers and toes from frost bite.

2. Make sure you salt. And make sure you use the RIGHT salt. None of this shiiiiitz:

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You laugh, but I actually saw someone “salting” their driveway with this once. Speaking of salt: If you have fur babies make sure you use salt that wont kill their paws. The typical rock stuff is a no-go. Get the blue shit.

3. The key to driving in snow is momentum. Once you get going use that momentum to KEEP YOU GOING. Do not drive at a snails pace, you’ll end up getting stuck on hills and snowy patches and make yourself a target for people that are actually capable of driving in the snow. Which brings me to #6.

4. When there’s snow on the ground there is no such thing as braking, or braking hard. You’ll slide and skid. Give yourself enough room between you and the cars around you so you can COAST to slow down and brake slowly.

5. PLEASE FOR THE CHILDREN, DO NOT  try to jerk your steering wheel to avoid objects. You grip that sucker with all your strength and coast it from lane to lane. Sudden movements are not your best friend.

6. Try to brush off as much snow off your car as possible. Being hit with a blanket of snow getting on the highway because the idiot in front of you was too lazy to brush off his car is not the most pleasant of occurrences.

7. Go out and buy yourself a shovel. Put it in your car and be prepared to use it. You’ll get stuck in areas that haven’t been plowed well— use it to shovel out your tires. Use it to help OTHERS shovel themselves out.

8. Just because you have 4-wheel drive, doesn’t make you invincible. More likely than not the cars in the ditches have 4-wheel drive and end up there because an idiot behind the wheel thought he was GOD.

9. Don’t get angry after a HUGE STORM if your plow guy doesn’t have your driveway cleared right as you get ready to leave in the morning. Those guys have been up all night clearing stuff and generally have done the same places at least twice. Just be patient. It’ll get done. Get some exercise and use the shovel from #7 to do what you can to get to work in the morning and leave the rest for the snow team.

10. If you are terrified of driving in the snow, do everyone a favor and just stay inside. Use sick days, call carry out, use Amazon to buy groceries, but please please please hibernate until the roads are plowed. Or until spring– that works too.

Thank you— J

** NOW WE RETURN TO THE REGULARLY SCHEDULED POST **

Yes that’s right ladies and gents, it’s Michigan living at it’s best. The weather and news stations don’t have enough to report about so they talk up this HUGE SNOWSTORM and bitter cold temperatures for the next few days and the people literally go mad.

Saturday was my step-moms birthday, so we went out to dinner to celebrate to Bonefish in Novi… DELICIOUS FOOD. Never been before but will definitely be going back. I think honestly my favorite part of the meal was the decadent Creme Brûlée with Grand Mariner for dessert.

So good that I immediately texted this upon leaving the restaurant…

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My friends know me too well. As you can see above, it wasn’t just the East side of the state in pure panic over the snow. The west siders were panicking too.

Anyways, I got to the grocery store later– since it was proclaimed a “zoo” earlier in the day, and literally shelves were BARE. Soups? Gone. Chicken? GONE, GROUND HAMBURGER… G.O.N.E.

Freak out much people?

I mean even the bananas were gone. You would think that in a snow storm people would want the hearty foods. But no. THE BANANAS WERE GONE.

I was pretty upset. How am I supposed to pretend to be healthier if I can’t even buy bananas? Guess I’ll just have to eat a Dove Bar instead.

I also decided to Redbox it, clearly. Although it seems every single person on the planet had the same idea. That’s ok, I found the movies that had the hottest men in them and called it a day– Redemption with Jason Statham in it? No Idea what its about. I just watch him the whole movie.

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Only God Forgives with Ryan Gosling? It was in subtitles. Didn’t care.

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ANYWAYS. It’s like 0 Degrees right now. No, seriously. Actually with the windchill it’s much lower. I feel bad for Marley having to pee outside. That’s gotta be a bitch.

The good thing about cold winter days though are more projects being completed inside the home. Like– My house no longer looks like WWIII. Christmas has packed itself back into the black hole of my basement. I’m getting crafty again.

I FOUND MY CAMERA CHARGER. Thank the lord. I was going crazy not being able to take pictures. Finally was able to get a few good ones of Marley. I’ll get them up here soon.

Sorry for all the rambling today. It’s not my usual, but my heads all over the place with some fun ideas that I’m about to go work on.

Please stay warm, keep your kids (furry and non furry) all bundled up while outside and take this time to drink a lot of wine and watch movies (or just half naked men, either works).

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